Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
