Can i not drive my cunt home
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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