my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
