I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
