The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
