Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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