Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
