Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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