ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
