His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
