I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
