My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
