There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
