Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
