Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
