Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
