I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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