I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
