I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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