thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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