the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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