I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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