Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
