He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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