How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize