3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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