My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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