You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
