and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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