matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
