Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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