If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
