I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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