What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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