Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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