remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
