I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize