dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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