i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sobbing to NWA
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
