the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
