Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
