Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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