Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
