Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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