Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
