just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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