I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
