i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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