Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
