I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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