Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
