yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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