Sry I called you an 8
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
