I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
