my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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