It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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