bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
