I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
