Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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