Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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