Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
