I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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