My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he was CRYING into my vagina
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need a burrito and a hug.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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