those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
