they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
