I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
