Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
