Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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