My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
