I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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