Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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